OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR
-PARTNERS IN SELF DEFINITION
-REFLECTION OF SELF WORTH
-MEN'S LOVE FEELINGS
AND EMOTIONAL HIDING
-WOMEN'S NEED FOR
VALIDATION
OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR
Our partner helps define our self esteem. Without awareness people are constantly seeking validation of their feelings, needs, and aspirations. Given all the possible interactions between partners there are an endless amount of opportunities for acceptance, empathy, rejection and shaming.
Interestingly, our life partners are most often the best reflection of our own lives. The people closest to us and especially those people, who love us, give us the best clues to our inner self. However, we must understand that these same people may not be able to meet our needs, nor understand, empathize or accept our actions, feelings or thoughts. These are two separate issues.
Usually, our partner knows our strengths and weaknesses better than anyone and can use this knowledge about us towards our benefit or detriment. The more we trust and value our partner, the more likely we are to believe and rely on the judgement of our partner. Our partner holds the knowledge and ability to push our buttons and place into question our meaningfulness and significance as a person. Our life partner can cause us to conjure up and manipulate our inner SELF feelings concerning adequacy and shame.
Often, in close interpersonnal relationships we shame our partner with no conscious understand of the actual consequence of our action. Mostly our intention is not to shame our partner but to meet our own needs or validate our feelings and aspirations. Since our partner is the primary target for our projected feelings about our self, he/she will always be treated like the proving ground for our feelings and emotions about our self. A common form of projection occurs when a partner is angry over some work mishap and then goes home and “takes it out” on his/her partner. Just as we can project our feelings of anger on our partner, we also can project our feelings of inadequacy and shame.
In every interpersonal relationship we can nurture, embrace, encourage or praise as well as ignore, alienate or punish our partner for every action or emotional expression. Continuously we make the decision to express these discretionary actions towards our partner according to our emotions and judgments.
In a heated argument we can unwittingly reject and shame our partner because of our own feelings of shame and rejection. These feelings of rejection and shame are not only initiated by the other person but also by our own feelings of rejection and shame. If you’re reaction to rejection is extreme then this may be an indication that you are feeling self-rejection or shame. If you think about it in more common sense terms, if someone calls you a bad person, then you will only feel truly upset if you fear or think you are one. Of coarse no one like being called a bad person but your reaction should logically be more of one of surprise than anger.
A quick note. In any act of shaming their is a sender, receiver and a message. In order to experience shame we must be able to interprete an act of shaming as being shamful. Oddly, this is often not the case. After numerous times of being shamed by the same person or situation we tend to disregard this shame because of a Stockholm Syndrome effect. Stockholm syndrome describes a real paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express empathy and positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending their jailer.
OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR
It is possible for a partner to shame the other partner by telling him/her that they “don’t care”. This can be seen as an attack of the partner’s “ability or capacity” to care or love, thus conjuring up feelings of inadequacy and shame. Men & women don’t understand this total rejection by their partner because he or she embraces these “love feelings” with great devotion but express these feelings in often vastly different ways.
Men can unconsciously experience these hurt feelings of guilt or shame from a character attack of their “love feelings” because they are already experiencing their own battle over internalized feelings with respect to learned aggressiveness and shamelessness. Men are brought up to act aggressively in work, play and in their love lives. Men are often brought up to embrace and initiate aggressive behavior which promotes a shameless demeanor. Aggressive men can be interpreted as uncaring and insensitive but this is simply not true.
So by telling your male partner that he categorically doesn’t care; touches his inner feelings about himself, triggers similar unconscious defensive behaviors and shamful feelings and emotions. In many ways, this is similar to telling your child that he/she is unlovable. When we categorically condemn our partner for being uncaring or unloving then we are shaming them.
Men simple don’t process and address their thoughts and feelings like women. Generally, men are not as emotionally invested in the same way as women. They seek out validation in a different way. Most importantly, for this analysis, men experience and process shame in a different way than women.
Moreover, men who are shamed by their female partner can act, in the longer run, withdrawn when confronted by an aggressive woman. It is in man’s nature and training to physically and mentally react when confronted with aggression. Thus, men can react with extreme caution for fear of further confrontation. Their instincts take over, like a lion. they will not move but watch at full attention. With their adrenalin raging and on the edge of danger they will stop dead in their tracks before moving further. These hesitations can then be followed by subsequent and stronger attacks by the female partner which further renders him predisposed toward further inaction.
Next time you treat your man as unloving or uncaring take a closer look at how full at alert, attention and hurt he is from your words. His reactions may well seem like he is even over reacting or reacting about the wrong thing. This is because you have touched his shameful feelings about himself and he has pushed the smaller issues of what you are talking to the side.
It is valid to say that when faced with shaming mistrust from our partner we can or will tend to be cautious and not further expose our selves in order to avoid further erosion, dismissal or down grading of the remaining valued parts of our self esteem. Then, when we send our partner into emotional hiding we are shaming him/her by not allowing them to express them selves in an open forum. This kind of behavior is most common among couples that are in the latter stages of separating from each other. It is in this stage, that couples are usually hurting and shaming each other.
The most common reason why women experience shame from men is because of inadequate validation of their thoughts and feelings. A male partner may thus treat his female partner as thought she is mentally weak for needing unnecessary validation and consideration. Men validate their feelings and emotions in a different fashion than women. Moreover, women can be shamed by being ignored or denied equal consideration because they feel simply "shut out". Women are more comfortable in validating the feelings and emotions of their families and friends. They are more empathy and relationship oriented as a direct result of their emotional development and child development skills. Men who do not recognize nor accept these feelings by women are often unknowingly shaming their female partner.
It is important to be able to recognize and be somewhat knowledgeable of our conscious and unconscious shaming feelings and behaviors. We are all continuously guilty of OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR in some form or another because of our need to continuously assert and prove our self in the external world. In the end, we can only recognize and acknowledge our responsibility in shaming and hope that our partner understands and empathizes with our situation.
The author wants to bring to light the working concepts of self psychology which are often written in complicated and jargonistic fashion. Through our understanding, healing and reshaping of our selves, we can reclaim those disowned parts of our true self and bring greater fulfillment in our relationships.
Can you see how you might shame your partner?
SEND COMMENTS or questions to
macroeffect@aol.com
Interestingly, our life partners are most often the best reflection of our own lives. The people closest to us and especially those people, who love us, give us the best clues to our inner self. However, we must understand that these same people may not be able to meet our needs, nor understand, empathize or accept our actions, feelings or thoughts. These are two separate issues.
Usually, our partner knows our strengths and weaknesses better than anyone and can use this knowledge about us towards our benefit or detriment. The more we trust and value our partner, the more likely we are to believe and rely on the judgement of our partner. Our partner holds the knowledge and ability to push our buttons and place into question our meaningfulness and significance as a person. Our life partner can cause us to conjure up and manipulate our inner SELF feelings concerning adequacy and shame.
Often, in close interpersonnal relationships we shame our partner with no conscious understand of the actual consequence of our action. Mostly our intention is not to shame our partner but to meet our own needs or validate our feelings and aspirations. Since our partner is the primary target for our projected feelings about our self, he/she will always be treated like the proving ground for our feelings and emotions about our self. A common form of projection occurs when a partner is angry over some work mishap and then goes home and “takes it out” on his/her partner. Just as we can project our feelings of anger on our partner, we also can project our feelings of inadequacy and shame.
In every interpersonal relationship we can nurture, embrace, encourage or praise as well as ignore, alienate or punish our partner for every action or emotional expression. Continuously we make the decision to express these discretionary actions towards our partner according to our emotions and judgments.
In a heated argument we can unwittingly reject and shame our partner because of our own feelings of shame and rejection. These feelings of rejection and shame are not only initiated by the other person but also by our own feelings of rejection and shame. If you’re reaction to rejection is extreme then this may be an indication that you are feeling self-rejection or shame. If you think about it in more common sense terms, if someone calls you a bad person, then you will only feel truly upset if you fear or think you are one. Of coarse no one like being called a bad person but your reaction should logically be more of one of surprise than anger.
A quick note. In any act of shaming their is a sender, receiver and a message. In order to experience shame we must be able to interprete an act of shaming as being shamful. Oddly, this is often not the case. After numerous times of being shamed by the same person or situation we tend to disregard this shame because of a Stockholm Syndrome effect. Stockholm syndrome describes a real paradoxical psychological phenomenon wherein hostages express empathy and positive feelings towards their captors, sometimes to the point of defending their jailer.
OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR
It is possible for a partner to shame the other partner by telling him/her that they “don’t care”. This can be seen as an attack of the partner’s “ability or capacity” to care or love, thus conjuring up feelings of inadequacy and shame. Men & women don’t understand this total rejection by their partner because he or she embraces these “love feelings” with great devotion but express these feelings in often vastly different ways.
Men can unconsciously experience these hurt feelings of guilt or shame from a character attack of their “love feelings” because they are already experiencing their own battle over internalized feelings with respect to learned aggressiveness and shamelessness. Men are brought up to act aggressively in work, play and in their love lives. Men are often brought up to embrace and initiate aggressive behavior which promotes a shameless demeanor. Aggressive men can be interpreted as uncaring and insensitive but this is simply not true.
So by telling your male partner that he categorically doesn’t care; touches his inner feelings about himself, triggers similar unconscious defensive behaviors and shamful feelings and emotions. In many ways, this is similar to telling your child that he/she is unlovable. When we categorically condemn our partner for being uncaring or unloving then we are shaming them.
Men simple don’t process and address their thoughts and feelings like women. Generally, men are not as emotionally invested in the same way as women. They seek out validation in a different way. Most importantly, for this analysis, men experience and process shame in a different way than women.
Moreover, men who are shamed by their female partner can act, in the longer run, withdrawn when confronted by an aggressive woman. It is in man’s nature and training to physically and mentally react when confronted with aggression. Thus, men can react with extreme caution for fear of further confrontation. Their instincts take over, like a lion. they will not move but watch at full attention. With their adrenalin raging and on the edge of danger they will stop dead in their tracks before moving further. These hesitations can then be followed by subsequent and stronger attacks by the female partner which further renders him predisposed toward further inaction.
Next time you treat your man as unloving or uncaring take a closer look at how full at alert, attention and hurt he is from your words. His reactions may well seem like he is even over reacting or reacting about the wrong thing. This is because you have touched his shameful feelings about himself and he has pushed the smaller issues of what you are talking to the side.
It is valid to say that when faced with shaming mistrust from our partner we can or will tend to be cautious and not further expose our selves in order to avoid further erosion, dismissal or down grading of the remaining valued parts of our self esteem. Then, when we send our partner into emotional hiding we are shaming him/her by not allowing them to express them selves in an open forum. This kind of behavior is most common among couples that are in the latter stages of separating from each other. It is in this stage, that couples are usually hurting and shaming each other.
The most common reason why women experience shame from men is because of inadequate validation of their thoughts and feelings. A male partner may thus treat his female partner as thought she is mentally weak for needing unnecessary validation and consideration. Men validate their feelings and emotions in a different fashion than women. Moreover, women can be shamed by being ignored or denied equal consideration because they feel simply "shut out". Women are more comfortable in validating the feelings and emotions of their families and friends. They are more empathy and relationship oriented as a direct result of their emotional development and child development skills. Men who do not recognize nor accept these feelings by women are often unknowingly shaming their female partner.
It is important to be able to recognize and be somewhat knowledgeable of our conscious and unconscious shaming feelings and behaviors. We are all continuously guilty of OUR SHAMING BEHAVIOR in some form or another because of our need to continuously assert and prove our self in the external world. In the end, we can only recognize and acknowledge our responsibility in shaming and hope that our partner understands and empathizes with our situation.
The author wants to bring to light the working concepts of self psychology which are often written in complicated and jargonistic fashion. Through our understanding, healing and reshaping of our selves, we can reclaim those disowned parts of our true self and bring greater fulfillment in our relationships.
Can you see how you might shame your partner?
SEND COMMENTS or questions to
macroeffect@aol.com