Addiction and Our Hurt Self
Addictive and compulsive behaviors are often misunderstood. They are defensive behaviors which protect us from our hurtful feelings. They contain self-involved and inward focused behaviors which are common with addicts, overly compulsive and depressed people. We don’t like to think of depressed people as self-centered however this is an extreme type of inward focus. Outside events and people may have triggered these behaviors and emotions but in the end the sustained continuations of these emotions remains with and perpetuated by the individual. Our guarded, obsessive compulsive behaviors and addictions are often characterized by avoidance and denial of the real issues about the hurting self. Often, we have disowned or split off this part of our self.
For simplicity of understanding, think of yourself having just two self’s. The first self is a positive thinking and content self which works towards our continuous well-being. The second OTHER self
is more negative thinking which is hurt and sometimes triggers anger about our situations. Moreover, the happy and content self “cuts off” the hurt self from the more CONSCIOUS SELF. It disowns or split off the negative self because it cannot tolerate or mentally deal with its existence.
Most importantly, this disowned or split off self or parts becomes a problem when communication between the two selves is disrupted and ruined. In its simplest terms, the hurt or pained self has no relief valve and will eventually make its presents known in our conscious life through “other means”. These other means are often in the forms of addictive and compulsive behavior.
Psychologists don’t talk much about this but we all have multi-faceted personalities and not just one perfectly constant unmoving self. We are continuously updating and re-thinking our own self-worth and self-image. Just as we, in real time, instantly adjust our behavior as we continuously reevaluating the efficiency and effectiveness with physical things, we as well do this with our mental self-image and worth. We are continuously working on re-creating our self-worth and adjusting our self-image
as we receive new information through our actions and experiences.
First, in order to reach the disowned and discarded hurt self we must become aware of and validate our hurt self. Naturally, it not health to constantly dwell on our hurts but it is as well unhealthy to not understand how they are influencing our lives via addictive and overly compulsive behavior.
Once we have done this we are well on our way with dealing and eventually alleviating the pain and hurt. This will begin a long process of learning and understanding how our hurts and pains indirectly influence our behaviors and motivations.
People who suffer from addictive and overly compulsive behavior are really suffering from a hurt and painful existence in which they have little or no understanding or control. Ideally they should not be a target for our negative and judgmental reactions but for our understanding that they are really victims by their own hands. This view point is very difficult to maintain given that often these addictive /compulsive people are victimizing the very people who could possibly help them. For example addicts often steal from or take advantage of the people that they are closest to in order to minimize the chance of criminal or social action against them.
It is true, addicts fail to be responsible people. Oddly, the louder we yell and emphasis this fact the more we are going to be lead towards our own disappointment. It as if we are looking for an excuse to break off the relationship by somehow drawing a line in the sand for what is acceptable.
To a drug addict, money and people are less important than finding a way to his or her mental escape. If a average person can commit and justify small offences of passion, so can an addict justify taking an extremely short term view of life with his/her drug use. From a therapeutic cognitive behavior
stand point, our myopic view point of the addicts ”absolute need for more responsibility” can actually lead towards further hurt and separation. Addicts usual are already feeling their own sense of failure. They know that they are letting down others as well as themselves. It becomes a perpetuating cycle with the need to escape the often unconscious hurt feelings and causing the addictive behavior which further alienates others which results in even further hurt and separation.
The solution involves understanding how the addict feels about his or her self. They feel bad about some aspect of their life that leads them towards self-destructiveness. We must understand that they cannot function like the average person and that our expectations for them to do so only alienates
them more from our getting closer to the individual and the real discussion.
It is important not to be an enabler but also not to appear to sit in judgment of the individual. Often addicts lose close interpersonal connections which might have helped them gain greater self-esteem.
For simplicity of understanding, think of yourself having just two self’s. The first self is a positive thinking and content self which works towards our continuous well-being. The second OTHER self
is more negative thinking which is hurt and sometimes triggers anger about our situations. Moreover, the happy and content self “cuts off” the hurt self from the more CONSCIOUS SELF. It disowns or split off the negative self because it cannot tolerate or mentally deal with its existence.
Most importantly, this disowned or split off self or parts becomes a problem when communication between the two selves is disrupted and ruined. In its simplest terms, the hurt or pained self has no relief valve and will eventually make its presents known in our conscious life through “other means”. These other means are often in the forms of addictive and compulsive behavior.
Psychologists don’t talk much about this but we all have multi-faceted personalities and not just one perfectly constant unmoving self. We are continuously updating and re-thinking our own self-worth and self-image. Just as we, in real time, instantly adjust our behavior as we continuously reevaluating the efficiency and effectiveness with physical things, we as well do this with our mental self-image and worth. We are continuously working on re-creating our self-worth and adjusting our self-image
as we receive new information through our actions and experiences.
First, in order to reach the disowned and discarded hurt self we must become aware of and validate our hurt self. Naturally, it not health to constantly dwell on our hurts but it is as well unhealthy to not understand how they are influencing our lives via addictive and overly compulsive behavior.
Once we have done this we are well on our way with dealing and eventually alleviating the pain and hurt. This will begin a long process of learning and understanding how our hurts and pains indirectly influence our behaviors and motivations.
People who suffer from addictive and overly compulsive behavior are really suffering from a hurt and painful existence in which they have little or no understanding or control. Ideally they should not be a target for our negative and judgmental reactions but for our understanding that they are really victims by their own hands. This view point is very difficult to maintain given that often these addictive /compulsive people are victimizing the very people who could possibly help them. For example addicts often steal from or take advantage of the people that they are closest to in order to minimize the chance of criminal or social action against them.
It is true, addicts fail to be responsible people. Oddly, the louder we yell and emphasis this fact the more we are going to be lead towards our own disappointment. It as if we are looking for an excuse to break off the relationship by somehow drawing a line in the sand for what is acceptable.
To a drug addict, money and people are less important than finding a way to his or her mental escape. If a average person can commit and justify small offences of passion, so can an addict justify taking an extremely short term view of life with his/her drug use. From a therapeutic cognitive behavior
stand point, our myopic view point of the addicts ”absolute need for more responsibility” can actually lead towards further hurt and separation. Addicts usual are already feeling their own sense of failure. They know that they are letting down others as well as themselves. It becomes a perpetuating cycle with the need to escape the often unconscious hurt feelings and causing the addictive behavior which further alienates others which results in even further hurt and separation.
The solution involves understanding how the addict feels about his or her self. They feel bad about some aspect of their life that leads them towards self-destructiveness. We must understand that they cannot function like the average person and that our expectations for them to do so only alienates
them more from our getting closer to the individual and the real discussion.
It is important not to be an enabler but also not to appear to sit in judgment of the individual. Often addicts lose close interpersonal connections which might have helped them gain greater self-esteem.